Amidst the planning, meetings with vendors, and countless of hours on Pinterest, it's so easy to get wrapped up in all of the little details of the big day and forget about the big details of your relationship with your soon-to-be spouse. We want to focus to be on the beauty of our marriage, not just our wedding day. The reality of a wedding day, is exactly that, it's a day. It's not the rest of your life. The rest of your life is determined by how well you water the grass within your relationship, and that means taking care of it tenderly.
Chances are that if you're already engaged, you probably know quite a bit about each other. You know a few of your partner's funny quirks, you know about their parents, their siblings, and what type of job they have or hope to have one day. The idea is that you know - for the most part - who you are deciding to spend the rest of your life with.
However, this doesn't mean that their isn't more to learn about each other. It's important to continue building understanding and unity, even after you are engaged. How do you do this? By simply asking the questions, and sometimes that means discussing the hard questions, too. Learning more about your future spouse's wants, fears, and goals will help to build a foundation of understanding that you will be thankful for years down the road.
We decided to create a list of questions that will hopefully help start the conversation, and also open the door for more questions as you go. Make a date night out of it, or even pop a bottle of wine at home with some snacks. Make sure to create a space that will allow for open and honest answers without fear of judgment. There are no right or wrong answers here! We hope these questions will help broaden your love and understanding for one another, and give you more insight about your life together far after the wedding day.
WHAT WE ENVISION FOR OUR MARRIAGE
1. Which characteristics of your parents marriage did you love?
2. Which parts would you change?
3. Would you like to implement any of the characteristics of your parents marriage into our marriage?
4. What marriages of friends or family do we appreciate or look up to? What makes us appreciate those marriages?
5. What are your love languages? In other words, what makes you feel the most loved and appreciated?
It's easy to assume that your partner wants exactly what you want in a marriage. Please don't assume, and talk these questions through with each other being present and attentive. The way you feel the most loved, might not look the same for your future spouse. It's important to know how to love one another effectively. Also, setting the tone with what marriage characteristics you each appreciate, is priceless and truly something to hold dear as you grow as one. The characteristics that your partner appreciates allows you to see a little deeper into who they will be as a spouse and what they will value in your marriage together.
1. How do you envision splitting up household tasks?
2. Which tasks do you enjoy doing?
3. Will we switch off doing the tasks or will there be certain ones that are each person is solely responsible for?
4. Do we want to own our own home or would we prefer to rent?
5. What is your decorating style?
6. Would you consider yourself a neat & tidy person, or a bit unorganized?
No matter who you are living with, whether it's a friend, or relative, or your spouse, it always takes a bit of an adjustment to get used to. Having a convo over these questions will help set the tone of what to expect and how to tackle the obstacles when they arise. Your home is your sanctuary and where you should feel most comfortable. It should be exactly that for both of you.
FAMILY & LITTLE ONES
1. How will we manage the time spent with our families for holidays or special events?
2. How we will handle if our families celebrate holidays on the same day at the same time? Will we switch off years of visiting, or will we be able to see both families on the same occasion?
3. Do you envision having children?
4. What age do we both feel comfortable having children at?
5. How many children would we like to have?
5. Is there anything that we want to complete or experience personally or as a couple before kids come into the picture (i.e. travels, starting a business, buying a house, paying off debt)?
6. Will raising our children be an effort we tackle together, or will one of us be the primary care taker?
7. What traditions would we like to implement or begin in our own family?
Beginning a family, to some, is an exciting idea. While others don't have building building a family as a goal in sight. Having these conversations together now, will help you to set goals or boundaries. They will help you both to work towards the future of your family with a better understanding of how you hope your little family will look & be. Again, there are no right or wrong answers here. It's about having an open conversation with one another, and being able to know what the other person is hoping for in terms of starting a family.
1. What career goals do you have for yourself?
2. Do you have a set path and know exactly what you want?
3. Do you ever desire begin your own business?
4. Do you envision working part-time? Or working from home? Or not working at all?
5. What are the realistic pros & cons of the paths we are aiming to take (i.e. financially, schedules, stress levels, etc.)?
6. Would you consider yourself more career-oriented or family-oriented?
Careers. They are what we work for during our college years. They provide the food on the dinner table. They pay the bills. They help your kids be able to participate in extra activities. They are time consuming. More often than not, careers entail taking vast amounts of time away from your spouse and family in order to provide for your spouse and family. Seems contradicting, but that's the reality. Most of us spend more time at our jobs, than we do at home. Needless to say, this category of questions is a biggie to discuss.
1. As loaded of a question as this truly is, what are our financial goals as a couple?
2. Let's talk about how much money we should have at all times in our savings account.
3. If we currently don't have our goal amount in our savings account, what steps will we take to reach that goal?
4. Will we have a joint account, or do we prefer to have the accounts be separate?
5. If we choose to have separate accounts, how will we divide living expenses (i.e. rent/mortgage, groceries, health insurance, and more)?
6. Do either of us have any school loans, credit card debt, car loans, or any other debt that we are bringing into our marriage? If so, how much?
7. How do we plan to work towards paying off our debt?
It's no secret that most people, most marriages for that matter, at one time or another struggle with finances. Whether that's making ends meet, or figuring out how divide expenses, or how much to spend on date nights, they are all valid struggles. This might be one of the tougher topics to discuss, but nonetheless vital for your marriage. Take the time with this, and share all of your thoughts. Speaking of date nights, here are some date ideas that are all under $20!
1. Which friends of ours are supportive of our relationship and help to keep us accountable as we grow?
2. Are there any friendships that are, or could be, detrimental to our future marriage?
3. Are there any friends of mine that make you feel insecure, or question my loyalty to you, or make you feel placed on the back-burner?
4. Which friends of mine do you enjoy being around?
5. Which friends of mine would you prefer to see less of?
The fact of the matter is that your marriage is the single-most important relationship that you will have on this earth. It's the one that you will need to tend to the most, care for the most, and keep closest to your heart. Friendships are important & wonderful, but they compare nothing to the weight of the relationship that you and your spouse will share. Remember to choose your priorities early on by putting your spouse first and to then keep the friends who encourage your future marriage the closest to you. Support from the friends that you and your future spouse both love and appreciate, makes a world of a difference.
photography // Uppercase L Photography